Hello. I've been away and out of touch lately. I had to figure out why I have been numbed by my life. At some point along the way I began disconnecting from people. I searched for the flaws in human relationships. I painted people as monsters in my mind and came to the conclusion that the fewer relationships I had with them, the better. I formed these ideas by perhaps looking to eliminate pain, loss and disappointment from my life. Maybe I developed this way of thinking to minimize judgement from others that was unwelcome. Maybe I saw all of the potential bad things people could bring to me. It became ingrained in my thought patterns. It became a way of life.
Here I was thinking I was SO smart. If I wasn't spending time on people, I could spend that time pursuing my goals and I would reach them more quickly right? All of that philosophy I read, every skill I struggled to cultivate, every goddamn day I spent on a worthless college education was completely useless to me in a world devoid of people. I would go to work (fuck work) for nine hours and come back home to dwell in empty rooms. I even stopped sleeping on my bed. Instead, I slept on my couch for three months just because I couldn't find a reason to go into a vacant room simply to dream.
I hit the bottle pretty hard for a while there. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to smile because I sure as hell wasn't getting high on life anymore. I was actively avoiding human interaction. I would throw my hoodie on and walk past people like they were inanimate objects; like they weren't even there; like they were ghosts, casting shadows that I had to suffer.
I stopped looking at my phone because I didn't have friends calling or texting me anymore. It was just a time piece to me. That's what happens when you stop answering phone calls and never respond to people. People would knock on my door and I wouldn't even bother to check who it was. My family would slide notes under it when they came by. One day I walked out to my car from work and got inside to find a note from my sister under my windshield wiper, because I could not be reached by phone or spotted in person.
It was almost like I thought I was better than everyone, that there was something noble about my solitude, something admirable about leaving the world of man and going deeper into my mind to know myself better. I spent all my time reading, writing songs, and falling farther and farther away from a natural life. I created 'A Misanthropist Heaven' under these circumstances. All these things I went through to be invulnerable and avoid discomfort in order to enjoy life more, and I only made mine more empty. But I thought I was being responsible, paying my bills and not blowing money just to mingle with the world. It turns out that responsibility doesn't make me happy, not that I was ever much good at it.
So very recently I took five days off from work, away from people and completely alone, not saying or writing a word to another soul, so that I could try to find the source of all my melancholy. And I reflected on all those things which I have already imparted above. And while admitting that I know nothing about the best way that I should live, and even less about how YOU should carry on, the only conclusion I could draw was that I have been alone far too long, living the life of the mind, and that I have paid for it with all those years that have flown from me forever.