A Misanthropist Heaven

Hello. I've been away and out of touch lately. I had to figure out why I have been numbed by my life. At some point along the way I began disconnecting from people. I searched for the flaws in human relationships. I painted people as monsters in my mind and came to the conclusion that the fewer relationships I had with them, the better. I formed these ideas by perhaps looking to eliminate pain, loss and disappointment from my life. Maybe I developed this way of thinking to minimize judgement from others that was unwelcome. Maybe I saw all of the potential bad things people could bring to me.  It became ingrained in my thought patterns. It became a way of life. 

Here I was thinking I was SO smart. If I wasn't spending time on people, I could spend that time pursuing my goals and I would reach them more quickly right? All of that philosophy I read, every skill I struggled to cultivate, every goddamn day I spent on a worthless college education was completely useless to me in a world devoid of people. I would go to work (fuck work) for nine hours and come back home to dwell in empty rooms. I even stopped sleeping on my bed. Instead, I slept on my couch for three months just because I couldn't find a reason to go into a vacant room simply to dream. 

I hit the bottle pretty hard for a while there. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to smile because I sure as hell wasn't getting high on life anymore. I was actively avoiding human interaction. I would throw my hoodie on and walk past people like they were inanimate objects; like they weren't even there; like they were ghosts, casting shadows that I had to suffer. 

I stopped looking at my phone because I didn't have friends calling or texting me anymore. It was just a time piece to me. That's what happens when you stop answering phone calls and never respond to people. People would knock on my door and I wouldn't even bother to check who it was. My family would slide notes under it when they came by. One day I walked out to my car from work and got inside to find a note from my sister under my windshield wiper, because I could not be reached by phone or spotted in person. 

It was almost like I thought I was better than everyone, that there was something noble about my solitude, something admirable about leaving the world of man and going deeper into my mind to know myself better. I spent all my time reading, writing songs, and falling farther and farther away from a natural life. I created 'A Misanthropist Heaven' under these circumstances. All these things I went through to be invulnerable and avoid discomfort in order to enjoy life more, and I only made mine more empty. But I thought I was being responsible, paying my bills and not blowing money just to mingle with the world. It turns out that responsibility doesn't make me happy, not that I was ever much good at it.

So very recently I took five days off from work, away from people and completely alone, not saying or writing a word to another soul, so that I could try to find the source of all my melancholy. And I reflected on all those things which I have already imparted above. And while admitting that I know nothing about the best way that I should live, and even less about how YOU should carry on, the only conclusion I could draw was that I have been alone far too long, living the life of the mind, and that I have paid for it  with all those years that have flown from me forever. 

The Void


Because of the huge range of consumer goods available in modern capitalism,
we naturally suppose that everything we could possibly want is available.
The only problem if there is one, is that we can't afford it. 

Our real wants are carefully shielded from us by capitalist industry. So that
we end up forgetting what it is that we TRULY need and settle instead for desires manufactured
for us by corporations without any interest in our true welfare. 

Though we think we live in a world of plenty, what we really require to thrive is in painfully
short supply. When they try to sell us something, advertisers show us the thing
that we REALLY want and then connect it to something we don't actually need.

We can see an advertisement showing a group of friends walking along a beach
chatting amiably, or family having a picnic and laughing warmly together. They show
us these things because THEY KNOW we crave community and connection, but the
industrial economy prefers to keep us LONELY and CONSUMING.

We should think about this the next time we buy something just to DO SOMETHING with
visions of grandeur and optimism that it will fill the empty void in our lives.

The Party

 

It's all about the party right? But what is it really? The party is when
disparate people get together for some arbitrary reason. The party will wear you out but how much energy did you want to die with anyway? It's excitement. It's a reason to abandon your better judgement because what you really came for was to cut loose.
You came because work is long and life is short. You came because people happen
to be your fix. You came because you need them, and they need you.

You came to the party today because life as a robot doesn't cut it. You see beautiful things in the world  and you think of the people you could share it with. Now you're at the party with an audience that's willing to hear your own brand of poetry. They agree with you don't they? You get told what you wanted to hear. The noose that capitalism strung you up with loosens and you are slowly lowered back onto solid ground. You came with tired shoulders from the burden of carrying around your melancholy. You left with memories and stories. The shenanigans of that night brought you back to life, if only for a while.

Life is short my friends. You can chase the party all of your days or
find people that make life feel like one big party. Party with them
before you all drop dead from monotony. Use up all of the life, love,
and possibility you left on the table...at the party.

The People

Damn. I realized the reason I can't connect with people at the deepest level
is because I've had so many different experiences and influences in my life.
Too many disparate interests and I've become this; a picture of opposing
values and passions that nobody can seem to keep up with. I fall off the face
of the earth unexpectedly, I discover myself again every few days and develop
new values and tastes without warning, because a single thought can change
who I am entirely.

I love simple people. I like to think I am simple also.
I just happen to want to experience what I am able to in a lifetime to best determine
what it is that I should keep from the lesson of those experiences. I crumble under
the stress that I put on myself sometimes only because I am still learning
how to share my life fully with others. The only way big things come into being
is with the support of others, whether that be a meal your mother sent your way,
a compliment from a stranger, or a five minute conversation on the phone with a friend about
football, or women, or the struggle that THEY are having at the time. 


I'm learning that sharing who you are is the most important thing, in whichever
manner you are able to do that, however casual or unimportant it seems at the time.
People aren't meant to live in isolation infinitely. Loneliness can kill you, because
our minds are sufficiently powerful to do that. Our inadequacies, when left to fester, alone,
lead into destruction. People are our salvation and how we can get through our days
if we have food and shelter covered. PEOPLE can also give you those things that your very
animal body depends on for basic survival if you can't take care of yourself.

After spending
most of my time alone, and still to this very day doing the same, that doesn't change.
Anxiety and depression and discomfort and hopelessness and a negative outlook on life can
change with the right people. Those aren't meant to be permanent states. They are
only meant to alert you and those around you that a change is required.
It requires an investment though. An investment
of yourself and your effort and your time at the very least. You don't get something for nothing.

You don't have to put time into everybody you see or meet, but putting yourself out there can
lead to meeting the people you want to share your life with, very easily at that.
Take the hesitation and planning out of the equation and just fall back on the fact that
if you put positivity out to people, even infrequently, you will get it back ten-fold, whether you
feel that you deserve it or not.

It's hope, it's sharing, it's just being your vulnerable self
in a world that may or may not destroy you and taking that at face value and understanding
that all of your misgivings about the world and the people in it don't die with you.
Everything lives on, apart from your own existence. You can take hatred and cynicism to the grave with you if you so desire, but remember that you cannot bury yourself, and that that is something which you need people for.

 

Live Now

Take your lives back from the machine. you are not one. make small changes in your lives that give you more peace and positivity. 
Little things add up. if it makes you feel more human maybe then by all means do it. We need balance in life. 
I am a victim of not having enough of it. chasing things too quickly can make shit spin out of control if you're not careful. 
Be yourself is what I'm trying to say and seek out peace and the activities and people that bring you
to a better place and make time fly by. Life should feel like it has been short at the end, not like a long march into oblivion.

 

 

 

 

Paranoid Androids

i believe that we really should consider going back to
a more natural way of living in many aspects of our lives. 
We are enmeshed with this earth which we are all native to
and we keep looking for more ways to distance ourselves from...ourselves. 
Maybe we'd have more friends if we went and knocked on their doors. 
Maybe we'd have deeper connections with people if
we spoke with the people in front of our faces like more than just
distractions until the next text message came through, 
from people who are less than a mile from us, mobile, 
and didn't have enough respect to spend 5 seconds
dialing our phone numbers in lieu of swinging by. It's like
we fear each other now. that's a natural reaction though; 
because we communicate with our loved ones, love interests, 
friends, acquaintances, neighbors, and people we haven't
met yet- like diplomats from diverse nations engaged in war.

The Midas Effect

I'm an artist yeah. I try to make different music than what people
are doing now but I'm still just a man at the end of the day. 
I'm not some fucking Phantom of the Opera. Wait...yes I am...
but not on purpose. I love, I get heartbroken, I have vices
and weaknesses I haven't been able to overcome. My life is
always a twister. I'm never here paying a mortgage and
pushing a stroller. I wish I could. I think...But I have fire in
my hands instead, and I'm like the sun in someone's eyes, 
forcing them to turn away. #kzoo #wmu

My House of Cards

I have lost myself trying to attain my dreams. I have sacrificed
everything these last few years trying to be the best I can at
what I do. I thought maybe I'd have happiness by now. I thought
at least I'd have more support at this point. First EP on the books. 
Second one would be wrapped up in a few short weeks if my resources were more plentiful. 

I lost more friends than I can count, I lost all satisfaction from mundane
things it seems and any  joy obtained flees me the instant I am all alone again. 
Maybe I read too much philosophy and tried to live too high minded. 
Maybe I've been trying to make things move more quickly than is
possible for one poor man with his effort and resources alone. Maybe. 

What I know for a fact is I am not comfortable being normal anymore, 
or well adjusted, or whatever we want to call it. I've never been better
at what I do, I've never had more focus in life, I've never been wiser, 
I've never been physically healthier, I've never cared about anything
this much, and yet I've never been more miserable; All my hopes
tied to a singular dream to execute in isolation always verging on collapse.

 

Entertainment v. Distraction

Best advice I can give you...Look out for your own peace in this life. 
Spend hours staring out into nature and thinking about life and
what THAT means to you. What is it that gives your short life purpose? 
Doing things for the fun of it is fun. Yes. No lie. However, 
what would the story of your life be if all you did was run around having fun?

Building, legacy, ambition, and pride demand that we go beyond
the instant gratification that is found in leading a purely sensual life. 
Let us build something, die among the ashes of our unsteady empire
and leave our progeny to fend for themselves in the vacuum of
the anarchy. 

Tell Me/Show Me

Novelty now rules your life. Now you only care about how exotic
a photo is.  You used to give a fuck about the people in it. Now
all you care about is locale: which beach it was that you'll never see, 
which man was in the photos that would never fuck with YOU. 
Wealth is not evil.  The evil is the people who can never
look beyond wealth to see anything that may have
allowed it to blossom in their own lives: the personal
attributes that created the environment for that to
happen, if you live here in the US anyway. Give
love to the poets in your lives. They might be able
to see  through the ugly. Lord knows they didn't care about
money. They would have chosen a different profession if they had. 
And then you might be able to appreciate them. 

Positivity for the Dogs

It's not easy.  I never said it would be, being positive
in a world of malice.  People will get off on the good
shit you put out into the world, never reciprocate, and use you
to get themselves through another day. Don't hate them. Pity them. 
Some people only want your love and admiration but not your time.  
I'm not that way.  Don't let those fucking people corrupt you, 
and hurt you, and harden you. There's lots of love out here. 
I hope you find more than you could ever possibly use. 

Finding Peace in Hell

I wake up and ask for peace from the gods. I have almost solved
this riddle. I hope this helps some of my fellow people out there in hell. 
I have found that losing my ego has been of great benefit to me.

Losing my ego has prevented me from not pursuing things
because I was afraid of how it might look if I failed. It has
prevented me from being afraid to ask for what I wanted
because I was afraid of the answer. I live without regret
now and can always say that I tried at least. It has allowed
me to laugh at my own mistakes and accept the foolish
things I've done. It has allowed me to love others even
when I've been ignored. The filth and anger people want
me to have because they hate themselves, I simply do
not accept. I can be at ease and smile and accept
and love myself. It doesn't affect me when I have lost my ego. 

Who can bring you down when you've lost your ego? 
A simple adjustment to your outlook on the world can
 make rejection and disappointment completely harmless. 
You can devastate anyone whom tries to bring
negativity into your life by being untouchable. People
think philosophy is a waste of time because they aren't
capable of understanding how altering THE WAY
YOU THINK ABOUT THINGS can make all the difference
in the world. Let this be your new philosophy and you
may find yourself some peace in hell.

 

Fleetwood Mac & Frozen Pizza

I was riding shotgun on a warm summer night. We were hunting
down a pack of cigarettes bumping Fleetwood Mac with the
windows down. Rum was flowing through our blood. Love was
flowing through my heart, thinking the entire time "I love these
fucking people". That's what home feels like. It was the
definition of peace. It calmed the chaos that I am. 

While checking out of the convenience store with a frozen
pizza in tow, a drunk man points to me - "Fleetwood Mac?", he asked.

"That's us" I stated while smiling.

We returned following the same route that brought us there but I
was different when we got back. and I still am, and now I understand
how summer in Michigan can intoxicate the soul.

The Lord's Day

And this is what the church does. It lets them live. True religion?
 All religions are true insofar as they make their people that
profess them live spiritually, insofar as they console them
for having been born to die, and for each people the
truest religion is theirs, the one that has made them. 
And mine? Mine is to console myself by consoling others, 
although the consolation I give them is not mine.
- San Manuel Bueno, Martir

Independence Day

If there is something you need, ask for it. But even better
than having to ask is putting yourself in a position where
you are INDEPENDENT enough to not have to do it in the
first place; a position where there is little difference between
whether someone says YES or NO to you, because a "yes" 
would only have made what you were trying to accomplish
by asking, SLIGHTLY easier, instead of the ONLY way. 
Happy INDEPENDENCE day in the USA.